Boo You Whore

You know what pisses me off? I mean, besides math, bigotry, aggressive veagans, the 80's, chick flicks, labels on highlighters, sociopathic liars, sickeningly epic speeches, and the way I always slice my fingertips open on pop-tabs...

It pisses me off when research groups actually spend good time and money to determine really obvious things. Prime example: I was looking through news articles on Yahoo! this afternoon, and some nameless international group has just completed a study that shows that using tanning beds increases the risk of skin cancer. Especially if the tanning is done frequently. Especially if it's done by people under the age of 35.

Now this is the point where you have to stop and ask yourself: What about any of that was not really obvious? It's like, "Gasp! You spend hours of every week of every year being blasted with ultraviolet light until you glow an unnatural orange? That sounds like it might increase your risk of skin cancer! But let's spend a lot of time and money just to make sure!" It's as if there is actually a Captain Obvious out there who sits at a ridiculously wide desk in the top of some ridiculously tall office building and sends out the orders for all his little lab minions to confirm all of his very obvious suspicions. That's gotta be it. Who else would be responsible for such gems as "Combining Drugs and Alcohol is a Bad Idea" and "Faraway Objects are Hard to See" and "Swallowing Multiple Magnets is Not Good for You"?

Perhaps instead of putting so much funding and effort into confirming that tanning beds increase the risk of skin cancer, why not put that time and money toward a more noble cause? Like, I don't know, finding a cure for skin cancer? Or feeding the world's hungry? Or finding a way to make pop-tabs less hazardous?

Whatever.

In other news, somebody just left an uprooted weed at my doorstep. They wrote on the dry-erase board: "Bellami - U SO PURDY I GIV U FLOWER SLASH WEED THINGY LAWL".

That kind of makes my day. Thank you, Anonymous Human.

-Bell
"I love you so big it's like a hippo."